A funny collection of Twas The Night Before Christmas parodies

  No Christmas this year!

Posted to alt.drunken.bastards by bdastard@digmo.org.remove (Birdman) on 1997-12-09.
Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed,
he cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
instead of thank Santa, what do I hear?
The old lady bitches, cause I work late at night,
The elves want more money - the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk, and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant, and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny,
who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
And the kids these days - they are all just the pits,
they want the impossible, those mean little shits..

I spent my whole year, making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls, their arms, legs, and heads..
I made a ton of yo-yo's, with no requests for them,
They want software and computers, they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad, just picture this,
try holding those brats, with their pants full of piss!
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard,
And if I don't smile, the parents think I'm weird.

Flying through the air, dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys, and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job, there is just no enjoyment,
I'll sit on my fat ass, and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year, you now know the reason,
I've found me a blonde, I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

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