A funny collection of Twas The Night Before Christmas parodies


  Twas a Divorce's Night Before Christmas

Posted to http://www.spring-tree.com/christmas.html by Teddy Slottow (edward@mit.edu) on 1998-12-01.
Twas a Divorce's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night after Christmas, when all through the trailer,
Not a creature was stirring, not even an old sailor.

The stockings were dirty and thrown in a heap,
And I hoped that some woman would arrive soon and be cheap.

My three boys had wrestled and slugged me in the head,
While visions of being grounded made them start to see red.

My mamma in her 'kerchief, and my dad, with his bad back,
Had just settled down for a light winter's snack.

When out on the doorstep, I heard my ex-wife's patter,
And I sprang from my recliner, to see if she'd gotten even fatter.
Away to the front window, I flew, breaking out in a rash,
Tore open the door, and she said, "I need a lot more cash!"

The moon's glow on the hood of her new Cadillac,
Made me wish she and I had never jumped in the sack.

When, what to my furious eyes should appear,
But a sleazy, bald guy holding a big bottle of beer.
With a little sly smile, and the face of a hick,
I knew in a moment it must be her new boyfriend, Rick!

More rapid than eagles his burps they sure came,
And I was sickened, and disgusted, as I said the man's name.

"Now, wait! Now, whoa! Now, Flo! Now, think!
"I can't give you more money, so don't put up a stink!

To ask for more money, you've really got gall!
Now, go away! Go away! Go away, y'all!"

As dry heaves that before severe nausea come,
When they fill up your insides and make you feel numb,

So, into my trailer, Flo and Rick zoomed,
And with a sense of foreboding, I knew I was doomed.

And then, in an instant, I saw the two of them kiss,
And I felt like a hit-man, who didn't want to miss.

As I stifled a cuss-word, and adjusted my underwear,
Flo parked her big butt in my mom's favorite blue chair.

She began to speak, while Rick kept guzzling his beer,
And I felt like a prisoner, whose death sentence was near.

A big hunk of fat, was hanging from Flo's gut,
And, I wondered how Rick could stand looking at such a slut.

Flo's eyes--how they squinted; pig-like without a doubt,
Her cheeks looked like elephant skin, her nose like a snout.

Her gigantic, red mouth opened up like a shark,
And her jagged teeth were ugly, as yellow as peed-on tree bark.

The butt of a cigarette she held tight in her lips,
And the smoke circled 'round her massive, hippopotamus hips.

Flo had a pudgy face and enormous rolls of blubber.
That flopped when she moved, and bounced like chunks of rubber.

She was overweight and smelly, a terribly gross ex-wife,
And I felt sick to my stomach, as I wished for the next life.

A wink of Flo's eye and a smile on her face,
Soon gave me to know, I wanted to be in a different place.

Flo spoke a few words, about needing more money,
And again I said, "No, way! You've already taken it all, honey!"

She got up to leave, dragging Rick by his collar,
And she gave me a wet kiss, before I could holler.

Flo waddled outside and jumped in her car,
And she and her man headed for the nearest bar.

But I heard Flo exclaim, as she drove off with the geek,
"If you don't give me more money,
I'll bring over my mother next week!"



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